Thoughts on becoming a dad for the second time

Pregnancy Envy

pregnancy envyI’ve been debating with myself all weekend whether I should write this blog or not, because it’s so difficult to verbalise how I feel about this…. Can a dad really be envious of the woman carrying his baby?

First, let’s set the scene… I’m a very, very excited dad to be, and I’m crazily in love with my wife, Wendy who is now 8 weeks pregnant with our little bean that we’ve temporarily named  Zygote (or Zee for short.) I’m counting the days ‘till our first scan (9 days to go!) and our first glimpse of our new baby.

But in a way, I’m envious of Wendy, and the beautiful experience of growing our baby inside her. Not an ugly, ‘green with envy’ emotion – but more a desire that I could play a bigger part in the miracle.

Now of course, I know that pregnancy has its downsides – the morning sickness, the body changes, the growing bulge (which, incidentally I think is so sexy!), the limited diet (especially the wine restrictions!) – and of course the having to deliver a baby at the end of it…

But I guess what I’m envious of, is that special mother-unborn child connection that us men will never, ever experience. The feeling of a baby moving about inside you, the first kick and the bond formed during breastfeeding.

It’s interesting to see how the males that we tell about our exciting baby news, often say something like “well done” to me, but say “congratulations” to Wendy – as if I played the more important part in Zee’s conception… But truth is, that physiologically and practically – until baby is born (and I can begin forming a beautiful bond with Zee), my part in this miracle is basically over, and I’m just not a necessity.

Of course I will be the ever-supportive hubby, fetching crackers in the morning, and indulging whatever other cravings and moods may hit Wendy in the future. I will make sure she is comfortable and will attend to all the practical arrangements that need attending to.

But I can’t help feeling a bit useless in the whole thing – compared to the huge part that Wendy is playing in this miracle.

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3 comments on “Pregnancy Envy

  1. Hop Dad
    October 18, 2012

    To be perfectly honest it’s going to get worse, particularly after the baby arrives. Your baby will rely on your wife far more than you and that can wear away at a Dad who wants to be involved as much as you do. In my experience, it has been very difficult over the years to see my children in need and to be brushed aside by them in favor of Mom again and again.

    Also, your wife may become overwhelmed, feel resentful of the fact that your baby relies on her more than you, and she may take that resentment out on you. Be prepared for that conundrum. As much as you want to help, you can’t because you don’t have the boobs.

    Do your best not to let that get to you. Post partum depression in men is real and this is a common component of it: feelings of uselessness and no longer being #1 with your wife once the baby arrives.

    My advice is help your wife in every way that she wants you to with regard to caring for the baby. Also, for you, take the time to create your own routines, rituals, and activities that are unique to you and your child. Fathers have to work harder at creating a bond with their children.

    Don’t worry – eventually, there will come a time when your child wants YOU and not Mom and it will come sooner than you think.

    • jozidaddyblogger
      October 19, 2012

      Thanks for your comment! I’ve been reading some of your blog and really enjoying it – Thanks! I’ve only been writing for a few weeks, and my wife is only just 9 weeks pregnant – so lots of writing still to do. What country are you in? (I’m in South Africa)

      • Hop Dad
        October 22, 2012

        I am in the Pacific Northwestern part of the USA. It’s getting chilly here now so I have to find lots of things for little ones to do indoors. It’s so much easier just to let them loose in the backyard but I can’t do that in a downpour. Keep up the blogging!

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This entry was posted on October 18, 2012 by in Conception, Dad, Guy talk, New Dad, Parenting, Pregnancy and tagged , , , , , .

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